Learning to say no without feeling guilty is a process most of us go through many times in our life. Saying no to parents, children, friends, and even co-workers can be difficult.

The first step in reducing guilt is to identify and understand why this emotion is paired with saying no. Setting limits about what you’re able to do as a caregiver is important. Ask yourself—Do I feel guilty when I say no to anything or anybody? How does my loved one act when I say no? Are they angry, sad, or understanding? Are my feelings of guilt actually feelings of disappointment that I wasn’t able to help? Where do my feelings of guilt stem from—my loved one or myself?

It is important to examine your feelings of guilt to begin to make any changes. Talking with other family members, including your loved one, about your feelings can help reveal some of the roots of your guilt.

Understanding why we feel guilty however, does not stop the feelings. Take a minute the next time you say no and those guilt feelings crop up, to examine why you feel guilty. Substitute the word “disappointed” for guilty. Does it describe your feelings more accurately? Remember change is often slow and painful but also rewarding. Reducing your guilt is a step toward strengthening your relationship with your loved one.

Sometimes “no” can be more helpful than “yes.” Trying to do everything can make you feel resentful and diminish the quality of the time you spend with your loved one. Saying “yes” all the time can make them more dependent on you and less confident in their own abilities. Saying “no” can actually improve your relationship. Give some thought to this perspective the next time you have to say “no.” You may feel less guilty.