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Relationships Between Hmong Elders and Their Adult Children That May Influence Caregiving

In Hmong culture, children are expected to return the care that their parents have provided to them. Seniors do not just want to live with their children and receive care from them; they expect it. As they become less and less able to care for themselves, they prefer their children to take care of them.

“When I am no longer able-bodied, my children can take better care of me than if I get tossed into the old people’s home.”

The living arrangements with their children are also very specific. When Hmong seniors in a focus group study spoke of living with their children, they often mentioned only sons and daughters-in-law. The daughters and sons-in-law were very rarely figured into this decision.

Value of Sons
If Hmong parents live with their children, more than likely they live with their sons. The responsibility traditionally falls upon the oldest or the youngest son in the family to take care of his parents. This traditional practice highlights one of the most fundamental Hmong Animist beliefs. Spirits called dab and soul loss (poop plig) are integral components of this belief system. These spirits protect one’s soul from wandering away and causing soul loss and consequently illness. Each family possesses its own set of household spirits that follow the father’s lineage. Parents should only live with their sons, especially as they age. When a daughter marries, she is expected to adopt the spiritual orientation of her husband’s family, including his family’s household spirits. Her home, then, is not an appropriate place for her parents because her new set of spirits is foreign to her parents. Therefore, when elders pass away, they may only do so in their sons’ homes, not in their daughters’ homes. This is among the most important reasons why many Hmong parents place a high value on their sons and why living with them is so crucial.

According to the Hmong seniors, however, there is a huge difference between what their hearts desire and what actually occurs in their lives. Hmong seniors expect that their children will know their roles as caretakers and take on that responsibility. In Hmong culture, this is how children show their parents that they love them. Many seniors in the study said that their children do not love them, and their evidence for this lack of love is shown in the fact that they cannot live with one another.

Role of the Daughter-in-law
Many seniors in the focus groups voiced their disappointment and sadness over unsatisfactory relationships with their daughters-in-law, resulting in their not living together. The most common reason that parents cited for not living with their sons was that their daughters-in-law did not like them. Two of the most often uttered phrases were, “If my son and daughter-in-law do not like me . . .” and “If only my son and daughter-in-law would love me . . ..”

Hmong elders place a tremendous amount of responsibility on their daughters-in-law. Hmong women are often told that they should never marry a man whose parents they could not love. When Hmong women marry, they not only must be prepared to become someone’s wife, they also have to be prepared to be someone’s daughter-in-law. These two roles are not easily separated. They are expected to take care of their in-laws without much question. When they step out of their roles, seniors consider this an act of disobedience. The loyalty and devotion of daughters-in-law are so important that in some instances elders were okay with their sons disliking them as long as their daughters-in-law loved them, as shown by this gentleman’s comments:

“If my son dislikes me but my daughter-in-law cares for me, then perhaps I could live with them. But if my son cares for me and my daughter-in-law dislikes me, then she will not want to be married to my son if I live with them.”

One participant in the focus group shared that she would prefer to live with her children, but she did not feel wanted by her son and her daughter-in-law. She said,

“If my son and daughter-in-law wanted me, then living with them would make me happy. But they won’t let me live with them, so I live by myself, in sorrow . . .. Perhaps it is because of my daughter-in-law. Since she won’t let me, my son doesn’t let me. My son said, ‘If you come live with us, then your daughter-in-law will leave, so you leave . . .. We’ll find a place for you to live.’ I said, ‘I don’t feel safe living by myself, how will I do that? I don’t have money. How will I live? I don’t feel safe. I get frightened. I am afraid.”

In their opinions, these Hmong seniors’ relationships with their adult children were strained by an unfulfilled need to be cared for and to be loved. The end result was often that seniors moved out of their children’s homes.

Community professionals who understand this strain on Hmong families may be able to assist families in various ways. Providing emotional support is one way—validating the frustrations and fears of both. There are community services, day care and social groups specific for Hmong, or more informal clan gatherings that may help individuals in the community. Offering traditional services while acknowledging the frustrations these individuals face begins dialogue to helping to find services or other community supports that can help Hmong elders and family caregivers feel more ease with each other’s wishes and limitations.

Excerpts from and modification of: New Country, New Home: Exploring Housing Preferences of Hmong Seniors, Focus Groups with Hmong Seniors and Adult Children, Aging Initiative, Minnesota Department of Human Services, April 2000. For the original publication, contact the Minnesota Department of Human Services, 444 Lafayette Road North, Saint Paul, MN 55155. Information Desk phone: 651-297-3933. www.dhs.state.mn.us

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